My dog is gay.

Since I am not a father, but I am a pet owner, I have found myself falling into the category of those who talk about their pets as if they were children. It may be a bad habit, but as of right now it’s the closest thing to fatherhood that I have experienced (thank God).

However, over the last few weeks I have paid close attention to the actions of my dog Henry VIII (see gay pic above). It has become painfully obvious to me that he is gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that). He has all the tell-tale signs.

1) Beyond the usual ass-sniffing that all dogs do, Henry is also into ball and ass licking.

2) All dogs hump. Henry chooses to only hump males, including those of the human race.

3) He chooses his mother over myself at all times.

4) He takes photo’s gay.

5) He is neat, thin, single and in his mid-thirties.

6) He prefers cuddles, scratches and exposing his man rocket, to chasing the cat, wrestling with dad and fetching. Unlike my very straight dog Lou.

In order to further prove my theory, I took my dogs to the park the other day for their daily exercise/shit/out-of-the-house time. While Lou was busy wrestling and fetching with the other dogs, Henry was busy humping every piece of male ass in sight. Case and point.  I can understand being a little confused and horny as a dog and thrusting in an all male dog sausage fest, but NO! There happened to be a plethora of bitches at the park that day!  For some reason that only Elton John could explain, he mounted the males.  So not only is he gay, he humps at a rate that Collin Farrel would find offensive.

This of course is something that I am going to have to come to grips with. If anyone has tips on how to maintain a solid relationship with a gay dog (surrogate child) please help me out. It is not that I am against homosexuality, it’s just that I do not have that much experience with those of that orientation. I feel that this will be a good learning experience.

What’s worse?

The New Jersey hipster?

Or the New Jersey douche-bag?

Personally I choose the douche by a slight margin in a very tight race. The plastic skin, waxed chest and eyebrows, gallon of hair gel and spray-on tan and most importantly, the Zoolander “Blue Steel” kissy-face look did it for me. These dudes make me almost not want to be Italian. Disgusting.

Yet this is the state that brought us The Soprano’s. Astounding. No wonder Jay wants to move The Nets to Brooklyn. If these were the people that were filling up my seats I would have made the deal years ago.

OMG!

Nike Air Force 1 Safari.  Time to put the hammer to my piggy bank b/c I’m sure they’re going to cost a grip.  I’m usually a hater to all the new Nike Hybrids, but I’ll make an exception to these.  Very rarely does Nike screw up anything Safari (one of the most underrated nikes in history), and these are damn near perfect.  To think that these will be rockable in a few months when the snow melts is perfect timing.

“The only Air Force One they got is in their VHS collection!”

I’m fucking Matt Damon/Ben Affleck

If you can’t laugh at this, you suck at life. Funny thing is, I usually hate Sarah Silverman, but this was everything that the Stewart/Colbert/Conan cameos were supposed to be. You have to love the celebrity appearances, especially the dude from Jane’s Addiction who just pops out of nowhere.

Matt Damon

Ben Affleck.

LOL

My Oscar Predictions.

Much like The Grammy’s, once a year I lay on the couch in sheer anticipation (minus all of the tired memoirs, dedications and irrelevant awards), tuning into the Academy Awards. Thank God I have a meeting to go to while they are airing so that I can TIVO the actual show and then fast forward through all of the drudgery. However every once in a while you get some magic (like Scorcese last year, or Ben Affleck and Matt Damon for Good Will Hunting) that makes up for everything.

 

Writing – Original Screenplay

• Juno
• Lars and the Real Girl
• Michael Clayton
• Ratatouille
• The Savages

Prediction: Juno. Diablo Cody’s dialog was hillarious, but a lot of it had to do with Ellen Page’s performance. I loved Juno though.

Documentary – Feature

• No End in Sight
• Operation Homecoming: Writing the Wartime Experience
• Sicko
• Taxi to the Dark Side
• War/Dance:

Prediction: Sicko

Animated Feature Film

• Persepolis
• Ratatouille
• Surf’s Up

Prediction: Persepolis. Although you can never can count out Ratatouille.

Actress in a Supporting Role

• Cate Blanchett/I’m Not There
• Ruby Dee/American Gangster
• Saoirse Ronan/Atonement
• Amy Ryan/Gone Baby Gone
• Tild Swinton/Michael Clayton
  

Prediction: Cate Blanchett. Her as Bob Dylan was unbelievable.

Actor in a Supporting Role

• Casey Affleck/Assassination of Jesse James:
• Javier Bardem/No Country for Old Men:
• Philip Seymour Hoffman/Charlie Wilson’s War
• Hal Holbrook/Into the Wild
• Tom Wilkinson/Michael Clayton

Prediction: Javier Bardem/No Country for Old Men. One of the best performances I have seen in a long time. Bardem played the most menacing villian in recent history.  However, Phillip Seymour Hoffman was fantastic in Charlie Wilson’s War.  Not many people have the ability to play the characters that he does.

Actress in a Leading Role

• Cate Blanchett/Elizabeth:
• Julie Christie/Away From Her
• Marion Cotillard/ La Vie En Rose
• Laura Linney/The Savages
• Ellen Page/Juno

Prediction: Marion Cotillard.

Best Actor in a Leading Role

• George Clooney/Michael Clayton
• Daniel Day-Lewis/There Will be Blood
• Johnny Depp/Sweeney Todd
• Tommy Lee Jones/In the Valley of Elah
• Viggo Mortensen/Eastern Promises

Prediction: Daniel Day-Lewis/There Will be Blood. Daniel Day Lewis is the best actor working in Hollywood today.  It’s a shame he is so selective (3 films in 10 years ) about the films he is in. Although I think that Johnny Depp has a slight chance to upset. Also, it’s a travesty that Brad Pitt wasn’t even nominated for The Assassination of Jesse James.

Directing

• Julian Schnabel/The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
• Jason Reitman/Juno
• Tony Gilroy/Michael Clayton
• The Coen Brothers/No Country For Old Men
• Paul Thomas Anderson/There Will Be Blood

Prediction: The Coen Brothers/No Country For Old Men

Best Picture

• Atonement
• Juno
• Michael Clayton
• No Country for Old Men
• There Will be Blood

Prediction: No Country for Old Men. This was the best movie I saw all year. Though There Will Be Blood has a chanc, along with Michael Clayton. God help me if Atonement wins.

 

* I am anticipating the reflections and dedications to Heath Ledger. It really is a tragedy that he passed so soon.

Vince Carter vs. Dwight Howard

A battle for All-Star Weekend supremacy. Who do you think is the better of the two?

Vinsanity

Or Man Child

Personally I have to go with Dwight, but not since Vince have I been that blown away. Factor in that he’s 6′11″ with that jumping ability and athleticism, and the comparisons are few and far between. Thank you Dwight for resurrecting an otherwise dead Dunk Contest.

YES WE CAN!

After what has been the equivalent of a 12 round heavyweight title fight, Barack Obama just landed the hardest punch so far. After last nights HUGE wins in MD, DC and VA Obama now leads Sen. Hillary Clinton in delegates needed for Democratic nomination. Due to the knockdown we will score this round 10-8 in favor of Obama.

Interesting note, VA has not been won by a Democrat since Truman. Times they are a changin’.

Lastly, the icing on the cake has to be that my man won himself an Oscar on Sunday for his spoken word poetry. Not even Al Gore could pull off something like this.

*Note to self – Put this at the top of your reading list.

Major League 4: The Steroids Era.

While on my way to class this morning I habitually turned on the Dan Patrick show to get my daily overdose of sports news, gossip and headlines. The main topic for today was of course – Roger Clemens on Capitol Hill. Mr. Patrick made a comment about making a sequel to the Major League movie trilogy. This is my attempt to create an All-Star cast while finishing what Mr. Patrick started. This movie of course has Oscar written all over it.

Bud Selig – Harrison Ford

Bryan Mcnamee – Steve Buscemi

Kirk Radomski – Paul Giamatti

Roger Clemens – Alec Baldwin

Barry Bonds – Michael Clarke Duncan

Lenny Dykstra – Mark Walberg

Jose Canseco – Michael Madsen

Alex Rodriguez – Keanu Reeves

Mark Mcgwire – Mickey Rourke

Eric Gagne – Phillip Seymour Hoffman (lose 30 lbs when in LA, gain it back when in Texas/Boston)

Sammy Sosa – Wesley Snipes (yes I know he was in the original)

Mo Vaughn- Anthony Anderson

Rafael Palmeiro – George Clooney

Andy Pettite – Adam Sandler (circa Longest Yard bulkiness)

Miguel Tejada – Francisco Gattorno

Chuck Knoblauch – Matt Damon

Gary Sheffield – Jamie Foxx

John Rocker – Clive Owen

Wally Joyner – Bruce Willis

Albert Pujols – The Rock

Gary Mathews Jr. – Will Smith

Rick Ankiel – Christian Bale

Juan Gonzalez – Josh Brolin

Curent Music Obsession pt. 2

Anything with Just Blaze production. All that needs to be said about him is that he doesn’t put out wack shit. Period. Plus everything he touches has this epic feeling to it. His magnitude is light years ahead of the majority of anyone with an MPC. Plus his versatility is next level as well.

Here’s a few of my favorites over the last few months.

Current Music Obsession

Lilly Allen.

Sure, give me the late pass. I’m a little disappointed at myself for sleeping so hard on her. I was so wrapped up in the “Back to Black” album that I wasn’t checking much for old girl. My mistake, but I’ve learned. Now I’ve been listening to her something heavy. She has great content (much like Amy), plus I love the raunchy honesty. She could work on the steez a bit though.

Word to Mark Ronson’s production on her album.